Fart of the Deal

The belief in equaling out a trade deficit is admirable if you have no idea what a trade deficit is.  Let's take a life example.  Say you, American consumer, are a human that eats food and you get human food from a restaurant.  Let's call that restaurant Chipoltle.  (We are specifically not talking about Chipotle.  Chipoltle is an entirely fictional restaurant used only as an example of a place that may give you diarrhea.)  You pay Chipoltle $14 and in exchange they give you a burrito.  (Yes, this fictional Chopltle sells burritos too its just a coincidence and no relation.)  This works out well for you because you were very hungry and it is good for Chipoltle because they want money.  (We think that's called a business but we're only on chapter 3 of The fart of the deal so we will have to get back to you on that.)  Now, assuming you didn't sell anything to Chipoltle, you run a 100% trade deficit with Chipoltle.  Is this a bad?  No, it seemingly works out for both parties despite the fact that one party is in a serious trade deficit situation both parties have gotten something they wanted.  Chipoltle gets money and you get to clear out your entire digestive system in just a few minutes.

America runs a trade deficit with the majority of the countries it trades with.  Why?  Because America has crappy stuff that no one wants to buy?  Or, because other countries have crappy stuff that Americans want to buy?  You know its the Americans buying crap.  We're confident consumers in America.  We got stuff for everything.  We got a robot dog that our actual dog can play with.  We got a car that can almost drive itself and nuts that hang from our trucks.  We even have a golf ball that explodes on contact.  Do we really need this stuff?  No, but we bought it and we got it.  Plus, we're gonna laugh when that idiot tries to hit that golf ball and get pissed at you when you make fun of our truck nuts.  America actually does run a trade surplus with several countries too!  Meaning there are many things America is good at making and selling.  But, we run a deficit with most countries because we have to.  With a GDP around $27 trillion the USA dwarfs most other economies meaning we buy way more stuff from everyone that it is impossible for them to even afford to buy that much stuff from us because they simiply don't have that much money.  Its like that multi millionaire asking you why dont you buy a boat and a ferrari from his dealerships.  We would love to buy those things... but we cant afford it because we spent all of our money on eggs and truck nuts.  

We're confident there will be deals made and that president Trump will take credit for those good deals.  He may then subsequently $#!+ on those deals and piss everyone off but that is just his negotiating style.  Its his predictability that Americans find so soothing.  Screwing people over works really well as long as you never have to work with them again.  Luckily being apart the global economy is a short term thing and America doesn't need nothing from no one.  We wont even have to talk to any of these stupid countries ever again.  We just need them to give us money and be happy with whatever we decide we want them to give us.  Cool?  We're confident that we will come out ahead because nothing divides your counterparts like giving them a common enemy.  Oh... wait, is that how the saying goes?  Yea, we're sure that's right, a common enemy divides all foes.  Hmm... still doesnt sound right but luckily the president goes out of his way to make sure everyone loves America!  Good deal Mr. President.  Making it great by 2028.  

Dodging the Competition

Fair and balanced.  Carnival games, TV shows, and politics are things you think of as the antithesis of these two words.  They are set up to be unbalanced on purpose to drive an audience because fair and balanced is boring.  If the game is easy to win people will get bored and if you never win people will get mad, sad, then eventually give up on their team altogether.  (Sorry Pittsburg Pirates fans)  Variable reinforcement is important.  (Just ask the casino business)  Every intriguing story has a villain in which the populus rally against and a prize to be won.  Of course, watching the favorite win is boring.  Do we really want to watch the Chiefs win another Super Bowl?  How about another National Championship for Alabama?  Those are great for the fans of those teams but for the rest of us it's pretty boring and annoying to watch a dominate team continue to win.  

Major League Baseball and/or the MLBPA has created themselves a true baseball villain in the Dodgers.  Like the Yankees of the past, the Dodgers have went and purchased many of the greatest players in the game.  Los Angeles has been on fire (whoa, poor choice of words*) this offseason landing a tidal wave of free agents including: Tanner Scott, Roki Sasaki, Blake Snell, Teoscar Hernandez, and others.  This adds (not Teoscar he was already there and resigned as a free agent) to their World Series winning all star lineup of which several players are considered the very best in baseball.  Yes, we're talking about you Mookie, Freddie, and Shohei.  They are spending future money with abandon by deferring contracts.  (Fancy word for an I.O.U.)  Play today and we'll pay you (hopefully) someday in the future. 

Will this epic team and deferred salary strategy be good for baseball?  It will be good... if they lose.  Everyone likes they legendary stories of the underdogs.  Average Joes Gym vs Globo Gym, David vs Goliath, and Jon Stewart vs Congress are all legendary stories.  These stories are fun, intriguing, and unexpected.  Mostly because the underdog wins.  (except for Jon Stewart, sorry Jon)  Did you hear the one about David and Goliath where Goliath won?  Of course not, nobody cares about that story, it was an expected outcome.  If the Dodgers win the World Series this year it won't be intriguing or unexpected.  It will be boring and baseball can be boring enough on its own.

Games are not fun or entertaining to watch with a high disparity of talent because the outcome is predictable.  Fans do not show up to watch the Harlem Globetrotters win the game.  Winning is a forgone conclusion for the Globetrotters but the fans show up to see the trick shot magic and the crazy antics.  The question baseball has to ask itself... are we here to play a serious game or are we here strictly to entertain?  If you're answer is the latter then you should trade out some of your teams to start playing against the Savannah Bananas at least then we'll be entertained.  If you think that competitive games can be serious and entertaining then there should be some measures to ensure the talent is spread across the league. 

If you are interested in continuing the competition the MLB should seriously consider a hardline team salary cap or limiting/eliminating deferred contract deals.  Why?  What if the Dodgers don't have enough money in the future to pay their players?  They win 4 titles in 5 years and all those contracts start coming due and they dont have the money.  How could that even happen with a team that has so much money?  Say MLB starts to have a decline in viewership and those revenue streams start to dry up, will the MLB be on the hook if a franchise can not pay its obligations?  Are the Dodgers too big to fail?

*Is this too soon?  Nope.  Laughing is our coping mechanism.  We are sad to see the fires in southern California that have taken lives, homes, and communities.  Natural disasters suck and we feel for you, we live in Florida so yep, we also live in a naturally occurring disaster area.  Do not lose hope though people will be there for you, well... they'll be there for like the first few weeks and then fade away while you attempt to repair the disaster of your life.  Insurance, if you have it, will take a very long time to pay out and even the payout won't reimburse you for all the heartache and torment of such a disaster, let alone actually covering the true cost of replacing the things and home that you lost.  Weird how insurance companies are so happy to insure you and love taking your premiums but when actual disasters happen they turn into your 85 year old grandma. (a little slow and forgetful also turns out they spent all their money on bingo, paying shareholders, and early bird specials so they can't really afford to pay you back for anything and are now completely dependent on the government for support.) 

We're glad to see Shohei Ohtani committed $500k to help.  We'd embarrass him and say dude you signed a contract for $700 million and that's all you can give?  We won't say that at $70 million per year and 162 games played Shohei is donating just over 1 baseball game worth of checks.  Yes that's 1 baseball game!  Dude didn't notice his translator "stealing" $17 million but cant give up more than $500k for entire neighborhoods being burnt and firefighters risking their lives in your own town?  Way to step up to the plate.  We know his money is deferred so maybe he can give like $70 million future dollars in like 2040 when he gets paid.  So, we won't say anything about that and unfortunately, we would help out but we're still trying to get our roof fixed from Hurricane Milton.  We don't expect any of the Tampa Bay players to help out because we're not sure they make enough to cover the cost of our roof... or even their own roof.

Cereal Killers

Children have been after "me lucky charms" for decades.  Why?  Because of the leprechaun marketing?  Or, because the cereal is packed with sugary deliciousness?  Maybe, a combination of the two?  The leprechaun enticed you to take that first hit and that's all you need.   That sweet sugar dopamine rush does the rest and gets them hooked for life. (We've all seen the videos of a child's first hit of cake or ice cream.  Their eyes light up like an electric shock straight to their brain.)  Nutritionist are after that leprechaun too.  Mostly to lock him up and keep him out of breakfast entirely.  He's not the only culprit, all the other cartoon mascots designed by adults to entice children into begging their parents for cereal can share blame.  Sugar combined with excessive children advertising and deceptive marketing tactics has made the breakfast cereal market a sad staple of the american diet.  Trix are for kids but the trick is on them... They are not a part of a complete breakfast.  Well, they can be a part of a complete breakfast but they are not the part that makes it a healthy breakfast.  They are the part that ruins the healthy parts.  If you add cartoon leprechaun, a tiger, a rabbit, a toucan, elves, a bee, the Flintstones, and any other inanimate object to a meal high in quality protein, fruits, and vegetables they will all be a part of that complete healthy meal.  They will be the annoying part of the meal trying to trick your brain into eating something addicting.  

Studies of sugars addictiveness go back decades and have been ignored since they concluded it was.  Sugars effects on the brain have been shown to have many of the same characteristics of other highly addictive substances like opioids and nicotine.  Those things are pretty fun and it turns out sugar is a lot of fun too.  The really cool thing is that sugar is a drug that is even cheaper and more accessible than opioids or tobacco products!  Even kids can get it!  Plus, sugar doesn't come with the negative side effects of those drugs!  It's delicious, healthy and not addictive.  We just want more of it all the time and get super mad when we cant have it.  (Just ask that 3 year old we just stole a candy bar from.  They're crying with joy because they don't have to eat it.)  It doesn't come with withdrawals or side effects.  Sugar crashes, diabetes, and obesity are not real byproducts of sugar and ultra processed foods...  Americans got obese on vegetables and exercise.

Sugar is addictive and bad for you in large doses.  Don't believe us?  Look it up...  Seriously "can be more addictive than cocaine and other opioids."  We strongly suggest not snorting it on an empty stomach.  Don't believe us?  (Don't actually do that, it is a joke.)  They told us not to stare at the sun either but look at as now!  Seriously are you looking at us?  You have to tell us because we can't actually see you, or anything else.  Coincidentally our blindness happened very close to the time when we stared directly into the sun but we're confident the sun was not the cause.  Correlation does not mean causation.    

Food producers have called the scientists bluff on sugars addictiveness.  Or, food producers know the science behind it and use it to sell more food.  Which do you think is true?  Instead of sparingly they use it amply.  How can we amplify this water?  Put sugar in it!  This wheat bran is bland and tasteless.... SUGAR IT UP!  Boom.  Delicious.  How can we make this styrofoam delicious?  Sugar!  How can we cause severe health problems throughout American society?  Put sugar in everything!  Seriously, look in your cabinet.  The vast majority of processed food items will have sugar, high fructose corn syrup (sugar from corn) or a form of fake sugar (sucralose, stevia, aspartame, etc) in it. (We're not going to get into the fake sugar debate in this column but rest assured they could be killing you also.)   Don't believe us?  Go look... we'll wait.  

Now that you've inspected your pantry and found sugar as an ingredient in basically everything that is considered a processed food we can proceed with our proposal.  We are proposing a class action lawsuit directed towards the largest processed and ultra processed food makers and distributors.  How is suing General Mills, Hersheys, Nestle, Kelloggs, Coca Cola, Pepsi Co etc... even going to work?  It can not in any way be the same as the lawsuits won against the tobacco and opioid industries.  Right?  Is it?  Let's review. 

Cigarettes were marketed as a product that keeps you thin, is totally not addictive, and best of all makes you look and feel cool.  Plus that bonus buzz from the awesome nicotine.  They certainly made you look and feel so cool... until you know the whole cancer thing hits and kills you.  Coolest dead guy in the room.  Ok, it turns out they're not cool.  They are laced with a bunch of chemicals besides nicotine but the nicotine was found to be one of the most addictive substances in the world.  You've heard the saying once you pop a smoke, you cant stop.  Wait... isn't that an add for potato chips?  That's ok, potato chips are addicting in a good way.  Nicotine however, makes you crave more of it to the detriment of your mind and body until it gives you serious illnesses.  Wait...

Tobacco companies misled the science and killed people.  As far as worldwide population control goes they are the real pros.  They kill millions and make millions.  They are professional hitmen.  Ok, hitmen are expected to work quickly so they're like sloth hitmen.  Super slow killing machines.  Their products take years to do the job that some opioids can get done in days or months but make no mistake they will get their mark and it will be a slow painful cancer ridden death.  Not like the slow drift off of an overdose.  Tobacco companies are killers with malice.   

The opioid addiction started off in much of the same way as cigarettes.  Except these pills were even better because they're doctor approved.  (Doctors don't approve of your ultra processed foods and if your doctor does, please find a new doctor.)  They will take away the pain, they are easy to get, they will make you feel great, and also, totally not addictive.  Turns out the science was made murky for years in order for a large company (and specific individuals) to make billions.  They also killed a bunch of people with overdoses.  The amazement of society is that these companies are mass murderers and continue to operate by paying fines.  Yes, we're looking at you Perdue Pharma and whatever you're new company is going to be.  (Companies are great because they are a fake thing.  That fake thing (the company) can take the blame for some real thing the owners and operators of a company clearly were a part of and knowingly did because they run the fake thing.  Then, when bad things happen let the fake thing take all the blame.  The owners in the meantime keep the money and take no personal responsibility because the company was doing it, not the owners.)  We're sure they would claim innocence in not knowing they were killing people so it would be just manslaughter then?  It's okay you mass manslaugheters can go ahead and retire on your billions that you somehow get to keep after misleading, doping, and killing people.  

Who's killed more?  The winner is certainly as clear as smoky room.  Tobacco paid for that killing though.  Not with like sending the perpetrators going to jail, shutting down the companies completely, or making all the executives of the companies smoke cigarettes nonstop until they throw up.  They were punished with paying money to states.  They paid more than $206 billion dollars worth of profit penalization.  Now, many of the companies were still profitable and still exist and turn large profits today but those fines really solved the problem.  The companies have divested into vaping and nicotine pouches like zyn and continued to profit off of addictive harmful human habits.  So, no new problems are expected in the future.  

Opioids just havent had enough time to kill as many people as smoking has.  Their products are more fast acting but their penalties will be the similar.  No jail time, or complete shuttering of the companies involved (it will go into bankruptcy and reorganize under a new name we're sure), or making them take a couple pills and have their stomachs pumped.  Just a monetary penalty with many of the producers and companies involved in distribution.  The settlements are still ongoing but could be in excess of $50 billion.  The monies will not be wasted by local governments and instead go directly towards time machine research which will be able to bring back all the people killed by overdosing.  No harm no foul. 

The opioid industry and the tobacco industry set the standards of responsibility:  1. Create a highly addictive product.  2.  Make it readily accessible.  3. Use Marketing tactics to proliferate that substance to the masses.  4. Make huge profits while claiming your product does no harm to the populus.  5.  Ignore and lobby against any factual scientific evidence to limit the consumption and distribution of the product.  6.  Cause a major epidemic of death, disease, and disabilities to millions of people.  Does the ultra processed food industry fit these characteristics?  

With the proliferation of obesity throughout America; Kelloggs*, General Mills, and any other ultra processed food producer should have to pay for every persons Ozempic.  Ok, that just helps another terrible industry but at least people will eat less TRASH food so it's like a double whammy to the processed food makers.  We're proposing a settlement of $1 trillion paid in $50 billion a year increments directly to farmers of organic fruits and vegetables.  This settlement will be in perpetuity until the obesity rate of the United States is at or below 20%.  Which still seems porky but would cut the obesity rate in half.  (The CDC says the obesity rate is about 41.9% in 2024)  Although among the black population it is 49.9%.  That means if you look to your left and to your right and there's not an obese person then it's probably you.  

Obesity isn't really a problem to society like the opioids or tobacco industry though, is it?  We've Captain Crunched some numbers and the WHO (world health organization) says it's not a big deal it only likely kills 280 to 325 people a year.  So, who really cares?  Oh, Snap, Crackle, and Pop we forgot some zeros on those numbers.  We Trixed you silly rabbits and it's actually 280,000-325,000 people a year in the United States alone.  That's Fruity Loops.  Those unlucky charmed deaths don't even include the costs of all the other health problems that obesity causes.  Ok, $1 trillion may not be enough to solve this crisis.  So, listen... F-1 trillion we better make it $2 trillion.

Cheerio mates.  

*Kelloggs (Yes, it's spelled with 2 G's.  It has also split off into 2 companies.  Kellanova being the new one.  Meaning new killer in latin.  It doesn't actually but you could easily believe that to be true.  Kellanova is the real name which is surprisingly similar to kilonova which is an event where 2 neutron stars or a neutron star and a black hole merge which sounds insanely scary and unfathomably powerful.  We're not sure why they named it that but it could be accurate for their mission of death and destruction through food?  We didn't reach out to them for comment but we're confident that if we did, they wouldn't have one for us or at the very most they would say "They're Great!") and General Mills are some of the top "food" producers in the world.  Food in quotation marks because should the things they sell as "food" be classified as food?  If your qualifications for food are things that can be put into your mouth, chewed, and swallowed, then you either have a very low bar for food or a very high tolerance for putting weird stuff in your mouth.  Styrofoam, cotton balls, and plastic christmas ornaments can all be chewed and swallowed but we don't think anyone would qualify them as food.  The difference is Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Toast Crunch taste delicious when they're in your mouth and styrofoam does not.  (We tried it... it tastes like styrofoam.)  You will notice that most of their cereal offerings start off with whole grains and the grains are touted to be healthy.  (While some carbohydrates can be a part of a meal we'd argue that they're not usually the healthy part of a balanced meal.)  Great whole grains!  The second ingredient in most of them is sugar.  Oh, delicious sugar.  The white temptress that endlessly calls us back for that sweet, sweet hit of her temporary pleasure.  We're not addicted, we can stop anytime.  We promise, anytime after today because that 5th bowl of Fruit Loops is whispering our name and we can't say no that that sugarry seduction.  

Are their any other industries besides the Tobacco, Opioid, and High Processed food businesses that have followed these circumstances?  Definitely the chemical industry... (Yea we're talking about you 3M and Dupont)  We focused on the makers of highly sugarized ultra processed food like substances that are oral food drugs.  Some of these products that are produced by these companies do not even qualify as food like Taco Bells ground beef not qualifying as meat or Subways bread not qualifying as bread.  Some of these foods you can put in your mouth but should not qualify as food.  We should stop calling it food.  TRASH (The Remains After its been Stripped of Health) or how about a label that says not actual food in big letters right on the front of the packaging...  Neither of these are likely to help and people will still eat them but, that is apparently the way the system works.  The system also works by them having to pay a lot of money to deal with the problems they have created.  Usually its significantly less money than cost of the problems they have created leaving governments to pick up the tabs and deal with the costs.  But if the options are letting them make high profits and not pay any money, and pay money, we think they should pay money.  The opioids leave you with over doses meaning having to purchase large amounts of narcan, having to run medical emergency calls, and loss of life.  Tobacco comes with a stench of smoke, multiple cancers, healthcare costs, and loss of life.  Ultra processed food companies leave you with obesity, increased healthcare costs and treatments, and premature loss of life.  The quality of life is also an important factor to consider and we'd argue these all lead toward a diminished quality of life with higher usage.  

You Can Bet on it

The sports world has been at odds with gambling for years.  The sports world thinks it can ruin the game and the gambling world bets if they give you the right odds on anything you'll put some money on it.  The Black Sox scandal is an example of an early well known "fix" in sports history.  If you have not heard of it check out the details here: Black Sox Scandal.  You can bet if people can make bleachers full of cash off a "sure thing" then they will find a way to do it.  It used to be more of the professional fixers game.  You know like the mafia threatening to break a leg if you dont lose or that underpaid player working an angle to make a life they thought they deserved.  We had 50 - 1 odds that the casino industry would find a way to get sports betting legal because the legal casinos cant make money on illegal sports betting.  Bring sports gambling to the masses what could possibly be bad about that?

Betting on your favorite team is fantastic.  It used to be just the normal stress of watching your team underperform.  Now you can double down on that stress and lose money watching them underperform.  Or, completely confuse yourself by betting against your team because they've lost 3 in a row, then watch them unexpectedly win!  What a fan you are!  Its all just for fun... until you have to go explain to your landlord why you could have paid your rent if the Red Sox just woulda pulled their starter in the 5th because everyone could see he was losing control of his fastball.  It's o.k. though you'll have the money tomorrow because you have a nickel on the Yankees to lose tonight and its a lock.  

It has been well established that when people gamble they only bet what they can afford to lose.  Same holds true for sports betting.  Once they lose their set amount they're done.  They dont pull cash out of the heloc that was supposed to be spent on fixing those plumbing problems.  That is illogical.  Humans = Logic.  Besides we've seen the commercials.  They have a number you can call if you have a problem.  That solves that.  One phone call and gambling addiction gone.  People who have problems definitely are aware of them and willing to take immediate action.  Of course, none of them have to worry about it because the only problem their gonna have is what to do with all that cash!  They just put $22 on a 12 team parlay that pays out $47k so all they have to decide is which bank account to deposit it in.  

What is another a wonderful byproduct?  They can show up to that live sporting event they just put a bunch of money on.  Like say a PGA golf tournament and bet against players and then yell at them in their back swing.  Or bet against your rival basketball team and threaten their best players with harm if they win.  Its like what some of the cool things the mafia used to do to rig games in their favor.  You know the fun stuff.  Legalized sports betting has brought those things the mafia used to do to the people.  No longer will we have to stand by and let that parlay up to chance.  We will show up and get involved!  Mostly because if we dont someone will be coming to repossess our car.  

We just saw another ad for Draftkingz with a no risk first bet.  Just a lil taste to get you hooked on the product.  You cant lose!  Well you cant lose that bet but you will lose if you keep playing and thats the hook.  They make it so easy to put $100 down on anything you like.  Draftkingz is moving into little league soon.  You want to know the odds of the Scranton Scrappers 12 and under team this weekend as they play against the Bean Town Bombers?  Lil Billy has been on a hot streak on the mound so the Scrappers are favored +300.  Be careful because Billy's dad put $5k on them to lose and made lil Billy stay up all night studying for his math exam.  His Dad doesnt give a $#!+ about math except when it comes to calculating his odds of cashing that bet.  Which after last night he puts at about 97% and he's pumped for the game today.     

The casinos really dont care.  They set the odds and get their cut like they've always done.  The more people betting only means the bigger cut for them.  We dont mind it being legal but we do mind the advertisements blasted everywhere to try to get more gamblers.  Gambling used to be limited to certain locations which limited the amount of the availability of lives it can ruin.  Were people still gambling?  Of course, and it can be fun in a limited fashion but is bringing it full access everywhere all the time good for society?  We would argue it is not and probably the reason why it used to be banned in most places.  As fun as it can be in small doses does not eclipse the certain harm that will come to many.  We think the advertising for gambling should be completely eliminated from all mass media outlets.  To save at least a some from a gambling addiction and others the annoyance of seeing Kevin Hart tell you how easy losing money is.  

Reading Rainbow

Take a look, its in a book!  Not that book though, you cant read that one.  That one neither.  Those are not "approved."  Trust us, that information is not necessary, and you are "free" to read any book on things we agree with.  By "we" we mean the state of Florida.  The Florida Governor has been fighting the wokeness.  Wokeness is... well we're not sure what wokeness is.  We are confident that it can be defined as a sound byte that encompasses a lot of things that a person does not find desirable.  The great part is that it is so ambiguous that it means whatever that person wants it to mean.  So, we know the Florida Governor loves it because he sounds like he hates the things you hate.  (He does and probably more)  Desantiss is anti woke which means he has to be pro sleep.  We have to agree that sleep is a very important part of ones overall health.  However, he may be sleeping in some important areas that need attention.  It's problematic towards Floridians health if they find themselves sleeping behind the wheel of a car, or perhaps there's a governor sleeping on legislation that could help lower the costs of actual healthcare and insurance for the citizens in need.  If Desantiss figured out how to open a book on Florida he might find that in the last couple years Floridians have had sky rocketing home insurance rates,  rising health care costs, hurricane recovery efforts progressing slowly, and alligators coordinating attacks on humans.  (That last one may not be true but we are staying woke on alligators.  You cannot sleep on alligators, they will seriously eat you)  He has made sure that all of those things get put onto the back burner to focus on the real problem, books.  

Books can be used for many things.  Table toppers to make you seem smart.  Collectors items.  Even frisbees.  They can even be used for learning.  We just learned that... in a book.  The learning is the most dangerous one.  (well the frisbee book can be pretty dangerous too...)  We once read a book on blogging and look at us now!  (We're so dangerous!  (insert eyeroll))  It can turn any normal citizen into a well informed pain in the @$$.  So better to ban them to protect the citizens from words and ideas.  

"You couldnt woke me if you tried" one elderly gentleman in Florida was almost quoted in saying.  He actually fell asleep before the end of the conversation and we thought best not to wake him up.  Florida now leads the country in falling asleep and they dont plan on being woke.  With an elderly population of retirees Florida has 68% of its people over the age of 82.  (fake stat but very plausible if you have spent any time near any condo building or golf course in Florida)  How it is possible for Floridians to even be woke?  They have been falling asleep all over the state, in the social security waiting lines, the condiment isle at publix, even at the golf course they just nod off for a few mins.  The early bird special has cots next to the table so the elderly can get in a quick nap after dinner.  Floridians aren't just sleeping on wokeness they're just sleeping.  

In order to promote freedom we must take things away.  Oh wait... isn't that the opposite of the thing we are trying to promote?  There is only one right way and it is the way we tell you.  If you question it you are woke and all other information must be destroyed so as not to produce independent thought.  Independent thought is danger to yourself and the people in charge.  (we tried thinking independently once and are still lost in that book store)  In order to make a population free they must be totally submissive to a leaders way of life.  In order to protect you we must not expose you to other ideas because those could be the end of your freedom.  This is the freedom circle.  Submit, ignore, repeat.  Protect yourself and your freedom by doing exactly what we tell you.  Be weary of any leader that thinks the best way to make you free is to take things away from you.  There is nothing more dangerous than that.  

The Tuck Stops Here

Looks like there are some chickens in the Fox house.  If you haven't heard that Fox reached a settlement for $787 million for reporting the "news" then you've probably been watching Fox News.  Upper management at Fox chickened out on fighting its legal battle against Dominion Voting Systems and decided to settle.  Guess the chickens finally came home to roast a Fox?  Or, the chickens will pay $787 million to not cross a defamation road?  That road being a dark and scary legal pathway that could have led towards the downfall of the entire company. (We would have voted to fight Fox, fight!)  Its shocking how much doing no wrong costs.  A rational person would have thought that Fox may have committed some serious journalistic errors.  Maybe, perhaps, they lied to millions of people.  Or, could it be, they faithfully continued to mislead viewers about the inaccuracy of voting machines?  We wonder, if Fox has been spewing random bull out of their mouths to pander to their viewership for years and it finally caught them by the tail?  We're not sure about those things but you rational humans may conclude from the amount of money Fox paid out that there was some overwhelming evidence against many of their hosts and/or executives.

Thanks to the American legal system they still get to claim they did no wrong.  Is there a difference between doing no wrong and doing the right thing?  (Yes) Is the $787 million is just to make sure everyone knows how much doing the right thing costs?  It's not.  Fox will stuff their head into their giant pile of money and never admit to doing anything wrong.  Then that problem will fade away with Fox's next news cycle on how guns killing children are the kids fault.  (Not a real news cycle, guess we're kind of like a fox)  That is the American way.  

Tucker Carlson was let go from Fox as his nightly duty hosting "Nightly $#!+ Show with This Mother Tucker" which aired some time on your CRT tv after your grandparents left the early bird special dinner.  We're not going to speculate that Mr. Carlson was the person that made many serious journalistic errors.  That this Tucker has been pandering lies to his viewers, and in general can be described as reporting worse things than an internet troll on a 5 hour Adderall bender.  We wont say those things because we don't see how anyone could possibly question mother Tucker Carlson's journalistic morals.  He sticks to the loosely based fact like stories.  He finds many incredible experts to extort little truths from large fictions.  Like many of the conspiracy theories he paraded on Fox he stays true to his motto "it might not be true but once I report it, it is." (Might not be his real motto but you can see him saying it.)

Did you do something wrong?  If you have money you didn't.  Hold on... Are we saying that money can make wrongs right?  No.  We're saying money can be used in place of a punishment plan.  Put those wrong doings on layaway.  Guess we haven't come far from Catholic Indulgences.  Hit someone with your car?  Give them money and you didn't.  Sexually assault someone in the office?  Give them money and you didn't.  They sign a nondisclosure agreement tied to the money and problem absolved.  Money can buy you freedom from your sins.  Whether you plan on lying to audience of millions or just punching your neighbor in the face because you told him to keep his dog from pooping in your yard, money can solve it.  The truth can set you free but if you don't want to tell the truth...  Venmo us @gopunme!  We'll believe you... for a fee.

We hb.C.U. Coach Prime

 

We see you Deion.  We see you as clear as a flickering neon sign from the end of the bar while sitting on a beer stained wobbly bar stool.  The 2023 NFL Draft was Prime Time on ESPN and Deion Sanders is blaming the NFL for not drafting more HBCU athletes.  "I do not understand how NFL teams can seriously not take the less talented players from very small colleges that have limited top level competition?"  Deion was not quoted as saying.  We are confused as well.  Confused at how Colonel Sanders can do the exact same thing they do as he scolds them.  

The current talent of college football players are heavily lined up in the division 1 universities.  More specifically the big boys are in the South Eastern Conference.  So, sorry to say, most of the best athletes don't go to HBCU's.  The one HBCU player that did get drafted in 2023, Isaiah Bolden, played for Sanders team at Jackson State.  He only went Jackson State because Sanders lured him away from a big division 1 school (FSU).  If Deion wanted to change and grow the HBCU talent pool he could have.  He did for a limited time.  But putting in 3 years at a University usually doesn't even get you a degree in communications.  He has the name recognition and could garner even more talent from the notable big universities that currently intercept most of the high school talent.  Instead, he moved on from an HBCU and went to a bigger school. (Colorado University) (not an HBCU).  We don't throw around the Hypocritical oath lightly, but saying how great HBCU's are and then bailing on one after only 3 years seems like an example someone could use to help define the word hypocrite.  Before Colonel Sanders starts to fry up some criticism for the NFL teams he might want to check what he's cooking up in his own kitchen.  We think we smell something burning.  

Highest Paid Players Dont Win Championships*

An abbreviated study of the MLB highest paid players from the years 1906-2021.  That is a 116 years of baseball.  The highest paid player has been on the World Series winning team 16 times in 116 years.  (13.8%)  Of the 16 times this has happened, 14 of those were the New York Yankees.  So if you are not the Yankees the likelihood of you paying the "best" player and winning the World Series is very low... like 2% low.  If winning the World Series was a random draw (i.e. 1 out of 30 chance) that would put your chances at 3.3%.  

Of the records we could find starting in 1988 until 2022 (35 years) on team payrolls the New York Yankees have been #1 for highest team payroll 20 of those years (57%).  This yielded them 5 championships over that 35 year period.  (%15 championship win rate)  They also have the most World Series Titles (27).  Why is this important?  It is important to note that the Yankees are an outlier.  When they win they dont just buy the best player they buy several of the best players.  We think this matters because we believe the Yankees know that just buying the best player does not work.  Why?  Because one player can be neutralized.  It is easy to walk Babe Ruth every time he comes up but if Lou Gehrig is batting behind him it makes it a lot harder.  The Yankees buy several of the best players and that is what has lead to winning teams.  Although for the amount of money they spend a %15 win rate is not all that impressive.  (We feel this works quite well for the sport in general.  It is just enough to make them the anit-hero but not so dominant that you feel like the other teams dont have a chance to win)

When was the last time the highest paid players team won the championship?  2019.  Wow.  That is pretty recent and quite contrary to the headline of this article.  Did we just make that up to so people would find a nice lake to sit next to and reed this?  Stephen Strasburg was the highest paid MLB player in 2019 at $38.3 million.  The 2nd highest paid player was teammate Max Scherzer at $37.4 million.  The Nationals didnt pay for the best player they paid for 2 of the best players.  They were #4 in opening day team payroll at $181 million and had these 2 players making up %42 of the team payroll.  The only other time the top paid player won the World Series (not on the Yankees) was 1920 when Tris Speaker won with the Cleveland Indians.  Tris Speaker was tied for the highest salary with Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, and also happened to be Player and Manager.  These instances only reinforce the half baked conclusion.  There are too many players on the field to pay just 1 player an extremely large sum and pay the rest a very low sum.  The risk is very high if that player gets injured or under performs for the season that there are very few talented players to pick up the slack.  The reward is that 1 player has a minimal impact on the outcome of any given game.  (It is true occasionally during 162 games a player will come up in a game winning situation.  A success or failure in this situation will ultimately prove to the fan how overpaid the player is or how he is totally worth his salary.  With the actual consistency of performance being highlighted or negated by certain "clutch" performances)  A player on defense could get very few plays in any particular game especially in the outfield.  A player will usually get 3 or 4 at bats a game and will hit successfully about 1 of those at-bats.  This results in 1 player having a limited ability to control the outcome of any particular game.   

What is the lesson here?  Paying only 1 of the best players doesnt work if your goal is to win a championship.  See Mike Trout with the Angels highest paid for several years with no championships.  See Alex Rodriguez the highest paid player in the MLB for 12 years and managed only 1 championship. (with the Yankees* see Yankees exclusion rule)  What is the lesson for the players?  If you want to be the highest paid player to satisfy your ego or to just make that cash... Great!  Go for it!  But if you want to be on a winning team... you should probably play for the Yankees or leave some money left over to spread around to your teammates.  A great team beats a great individual in most things even outside the wide world of sports.

How you LIVin?

"In mansion and benzes, givin' ends to my friends and it feels stupendous." - Notorious B.I.G.

LIV players sure love it when we call them big poppa.  They are cashing checks, gettin no respect, and asking "What's Next?"  Next was suiting up!  Law suiting up.  Put the polo in the closet and grab the Jacket and Slacks so you can try to get a judge to give you that Tour status back.  LIV players lawyered up to challenge their former non-employer to play for the cup.  Some players qualified for the tour championship and wanted to get in that tourney.  Jay Monahan told them all to meet him on the 9th green at 9.  (If you don't understand that reference please see Happy Gilmore)  Jay went ahead and put out a few poorly worded memos to his players.  Its odd... he supports them while simultaneously putting them down.  The last memo, if  you read it, calls the LIV tour the "Saudi Golf League" and calling the players employees of this tour.  We could call the PGA Tour the "pretending to be a charity for non-profit tax status league" but we wont.    

LIV golf is backed financially by the Saudi Arabian public investment fund and is also non employing golfers but they invented this brand new kind of compensation guarantee.  They call them contracts.  The PGA Tour only employs people to run golf tournaments.  The players that play the tournaments are not employees of the PGA Tour and gives no financial guarantees.  LIV has also taken fondly to this model with one kicker of contractual guaranteed compensation.  Does that make them better or worse?  The PGA Tour players are classified as "independent contractors."  Are they really independent contractors?  They are required to show up for specific dates, times, and locations for events.  They can not control the hours or destinations of the these events.  They are required to play in a specific amount of events or risk losing status.  It sounds a lot like your college kid at tax time... they say they are independent but they keep hitting you up for money.   They need the money so they can buy you a Christmas gift.  So, you give them $100 dollars and end up with a pair of socks and a used Tin Cup DVD.  As you sit on the couch with warm feet watching Roy hit his 3rd ball in the water you start to wonder what the kid did with the other $95.  

Jay Monahan concluded his remarks like a captain trying to keep his crew from a mutiny.
"This is your TOUR, built on the foundation that we work together for the good and growth of the organization... and then you reap the rewards.  It seems your former colleagues have forgotten one important aspect of that equation."  AY AY Captain!  Unlike our usual made up quotes this one is an actual quote from the Tour commissioner Jay Monahan.  Besides it being poorly worded, it is confusing on whether or not the TOUR knows what the mission of the TOUR is.  

The TOUR is classified as a charity and the rewards (we're assuming he's talking about monetary rewards) can not be legally given out to its members/shareholders.  (Guess thats why the players arent employees then?)  Unless those rewards are the good fuzzies you get from doing charity work the players cant legally reap the rewards of the TOUR.  The TOUR's mission is built on the foundation that they work for the good and growth of GOLF professionals.  NOT the PGA ORGANIZATION.  Growth of an organization should never be paramount to the people the organization serves.  It seems that Mr. Monahan may have forgotten about these important aspects of the equation.  If the PGA Tour shut down tomorrow, people would still play golf.  The PGA Tour is a part of golf not the other way around, Jay.  

A lot of current and former players have spoken out about LIV golf tour.  Most of the ones that you hear making comments are the ones that have been moderately to highly successful on the PGA Tour.  Makes sense, no one wants to hear from the guy that played in the Waterbury Open that one year and missed the cut.  Most former successful players are upset, angered, and confused about why players would go play on another tour.  Firstly, almost all players played a tour before they got to play on the PGA tour.  Everyone played non PGA Tour tournaments at some point before qualifying for the PGA tour.  Secondly, if you ask the players that have been successful on the PGA tour it means that the PGA system has worked really well for them... SO, OF COURSE THEY LIKE HOW THE SYSTEM IS.  "Hey Tiger how do you like the PGA?  Oh, you mean the system that made me a billionaire?  It's dumb we should change it!"  (almost a real quote)  It worked for us so it works perfect.  

Several LIV golfers showed up to the BMW championship and caught some serious "my ex just showed up at the party" vibes.  "They are just here for the OWGR points" a non LIV competitor was quoted as saying.  Oh competitor, what are you here for?  Are you also here to play a golf tournament, for money, and world golf rankings points?  Oh, snap.  What a crazy coincidence, us too!  We believe if the golfer showed up to a golf tournament they are most likely interested in getting all that normal stuff that professional golfers get when they play in a tournament.  Except for John Daly.  He's just there to party.  Other than that you can bet everybody is there for the same reason.  It's like yelling at someone going into a library... "Hey jerk hole you're just here for the books aren't you?"  Welp, you shore can't learn what you think you already know.  Let those irony waves wash over you and see how you feel.  If we were a LIV golfer and someone yelled at us "Hey you!  I bet you're just here to play golf and get points and money and stuff?"  Yes, yes we are... Why?  What are you here for?  That same stuff?  We should be friends.  

We are a lil suspicious of this feud.  It is odd how they PGA Tour is so against LIV.  Do they understand their constant feud is fueling the LIV storm?  LIV is making it rain and some players are setting up rain barrels.  Do you blame the players for that?  Or do you blame the PGA Tour?  It feels similar to the feud between Notorious B.I.G. and 2Pac.  We're starting to wonder if this feud is just to garner attention for the both of them?  It is.  One side of the coin may have flipped to a frowny face but we don't know why the haters are so mad...  LIV golf be throwin out Mo' Money and we all know that only brings Mo' Problems.  

Free Speech

 

Speaking is not always free.  Ask Alex Jones.  Dont know who he is?  He's the thing you get when you combine copious amounts of insanity and adderall shove it in a blender and shoot it into space.  Mr. Jones has found himself counting the crows he has to eat and totally twitter trending on the bankruptcy feed.  He is well known for his conspiracy theories and using scare tactics to enrich himself.  Dont believe us.  See the John Oliver's "Last Week Tonight" episode on him.  It is horrifically entertaining.  If entertainment means you want to curse humanity for 1. Listening to and possibly believing Alex Jones' insane ramblings and 2. Actually giving him and his company money.   Thanks to people buying his overpriced supplements and spewing chunks of nonsense Alex Jones is worth an estimated $100+ million?!  Dang!  Are we sad or impressed?  (Sad... very, very sad.)  His company ironically enough is called Free Speech Systems LLC.  This system of free speech is gonna cost Alex Jones and his company $965 million.  So... he used to be worth $100+ million. 

This extremely enormous judgement rained down unto Jones because he ridiculously claimed the Sandy Hook school shooting was a hoax.  His unfounded conspiracy theory was that a shooting at an elementary school was a fictional broadcast by the "main stream" media in order to make the case for tougher gun laws.  We agree the thought of someone shooting several children should be fiction and we would also like to believe that it never happened, but unfortunately it did.  Our conspiracy theory is that the Alex Jones' judgment is a hoax.  The $965 million judgment is just a thing made up by the courts to deter lunatics from wanting to eject toxicity from their mouth holes.  Hoax or not it sounds like a win for humanity.

We arent good at math but the numbers dont look good for Alex.  $965 mill is probably a lot more than he's got, but we're not his accountants.  (Good thing for him because we would have donated millions of his dollars to charity.)  He'll surely file for bankruptcy.  If he is not actually insane he also probably has hidden untold millions through some offshore tax shelter.  Because he's a true American!  He's probably stuffed his closet full of dollar bills preparing for this situation.  Its right next to the belt that he uses for autoerotic asphyxiation.  This is just a theory.  It is our opinion that Alex Jones is into some weird stuff.  We mean he does weird stuff in front of a camera imagine what he does when its off... (No. Stop. Dont imagine that, your mind may never recover.) Unlike Alex Jones, we state that our opinions are just theories when we have no proof of the things we make up.  We will show you a picture of a belt he could use for asphyxiation though.  Alex Jones also is a Russian Spy.  He's been in a sleeper cell in plane sight.  He also has murdered several endangered species.  Including a Bald Eagle.  He was quoted as saying "I represent Amercia, Not You"  right before he shot it out of the sky.  These things are of course just theories.  Although, it is way too easy to picture him doing and being these things.

We usually reserve our opinions here at GoPunMe but like Will Smith we're gonna get judgy wit it.  The worst kind of people are the people that use freedom of speech as a guise to take away a persons freedom.  You can't prove its not true so we can say whatever we want.  Freedom of speech is not the freedom to say lies as they were truths.  You are not free to coerce people under false pretenses.  You are not free to scare people in order to enrich yourself.  These are scammers.  There is nothing worse than scammers.  They scare you.  They take advantage of you.  The make you into a person that no longer even trusts yourself.  Alex Jones is a scam artist, a liar, and should spend time in jail.  (Yes, we know defamation is a tort and not criminal)

You are free to speak but must understand that when your speech harms others you should be held libel.  Anarchy is not freedom.  The parents who survived their childrens deaths only to find they could not be consoled at the funeral without worry of retaliation from Alex Jones troll mafia.  These words did not go free.  They came with a cost.  They hurt, scared, and punished those who had already lived through tragedy.  Just because speech is free does not mean it should be care free.  Words carry weight, carry feelings, and carry thoughts.  So, carry the wait of your speech with a little respect because it always comes with a cost.    

Disanting Opinion

If you've ever been to Florida before you've probably gotten a wicked bad sunburn, gotten swarmed by mosquitos, and surely been eaten by an alligator.  It's a great place.  Home to a kind and generous people.  Very few of them are actually from Florida but that does not stop them from pretending.  Odd how a place with so much immigration shows such contempt for actual immigration.  Florida has had a huge problem with illegal immigrants flooding across the border it shares with Mexico.  Floridians have built reefs made of coral and a moats filled with sharks to stop the people blowing in from South America.  They just walk right across the border into the state with no resistance.  Donald Trump has proposed a new plan to surround the state with a moat.  "Florida needs to be surrounded by water to protect itself from immigrants and hurricanes."  (Yes, Trump will be happy to say that quote is actual fake news)  Wait... Isnt Florida already surrounded by water?  Except if you wanna go through Georgia or Alabama it is.  (So, basically yes because nobody wants to do that)  Those states are quite the natural barrier to entry.  They're like the Florida filter.  If you make it through those states or the shark motes, you've passed the test and they welcome you in.  

Florida governor Ron Desantis is getting the national attention he so desired by using taxpayer dollars to fly illegal immigrants to Martha's Vineyard.  These immigrants were not even in Florida but Desantis went out of his way to find them.  We all know why he did this, because he cares so much about immigrants.   He spent $600k to fly them to a place where he knew they would be taken care of.  "We can not help them in Florida.  Our insurance rates have gotten out of control.  Our housing prices have gone up more than 50% in 2 years.  Fentanyl is being passed around like candy on Halloween.  The alligator population has surged and people are getting eaten daily.  If the gators dont get you the retired population will.  We must send people to find refuge elsewhere."  said DeSantis.  (fake quote)  

His fear was that these people would come to Florida and it would be a serious risk to their safety.  He may be right that living in Florida is a serious risk to most peoples mental and physical safety.  But to care for other humans with no thought towards your own media attentions or the cost to be burdened by the state taxpayers is truly admirable.  This is above and beyond any normal caring leader.  This is true humility and respect for fellow human beings.  Desantis should be respected for his heroin spirit in support of immigrants.  Cheers to Desantis for ignoring the many problems of Floridians and pulling stunts on and for immigrants.