College Coaches Teach Expensive Lessons

 

If you have been to college then you know the most important thing about the college experience is the sports!  The acquisition of knowledge is a byproduct that happens in between game times.  The professors wealth of knowledge passing on from elder to student body has a place on a college campus.  It is 2nd place.  How can you tell?  Maybe, based on salaries of the different positions of school faculty, we can tell who is most important.  Who gets paid millions annually at many of these institutions?  The high up administrators presidents and whatnot but man of the highest paid are the football coaches.  Many College Football coaches at the top tier universities now sign deals worth tens of millions of dollars per year.  Take that nerds.  While ya'll are figuring out the circumference of a square these coaches are taking x's and o's to the bank.  The top coaches even lock in their deals regardless of their performance.  It's awesome! (For them.)

Most notable is Jimbo Fischers price of $77 million from Texas A&M.  He toyed around the school for 5+ years and finished with a record of 45-25.  Not bad but apparently Texas A&M thinks they are better than that because they paid $77 mill to go away.  That's a lot of money for a public university to pay someone not to do anything.  This year (2025 for us, we don't know what year it is where you are from) we've seen multiple firings at top tier football schools.  Franklin at Penn State, Kelly at LSU, and Napier at UF.  These coaches are all significantly under performing based on these universities expectations.  These schools expect to win all the time with no down years.  The punishment for not winning is the coach being fired and then cashing in on a winning lottery ticket.  Franklin estimated to get $49 million from Penn State.  Kelly estimated to get $54 million from LSU.  Napier estimated to get $21.7 million from UF.  This is millions of dollars going from publicly funded schools to pay these coaches to leave.  This is inspiration for those college students who are struggling.  Let the lesson be even if you do a poor job, make sure you have the right contract in place so you can still get paid.  

Do we think that these schools should not pay for their coaches?  No, we think coaches should get paid and paid well.  Coaching, especially in a team environment, is important to the growth and development of young people.  Because most of these athletes are not going to play at the professional level.  However, we do think it is ridiculous that these schools hire coaches with no performance based clauses in them.  As if a "for cause" firing is only regarding them doing something illegal.  If a professor had a student panel and 60% of them were failing would you blame the students?  Or the professor?  If their academic record is not up to standards we assume that is part of the a teaching professors job description to actually get students to learn.  

If your expectations for your football team are undefeated... well, firstly, you should lower those expectations but secondly, as a university you should contractually mandate what constitutes a failing grade for a coach.  If a coach wants to make $10 million a year but won't sign a contract saying he will win 7+ games a season or be at risk to be fired without pay... You probably shouldn't hire that coach.  Why?  They either have low expectations for the team or lack of confidence in themselves to hit their goals.*  Either way we wouldn't want that person coaching for us.  The job is coaching football.  So, public universities why is their performance on the field not a part of their contractual obligations?  

*The argument is that other schools will pay these coaches guaranteed contracts to come coach.  They will and you (yeah, you college athletic director) should let them.  We know you have to because you feel the pressure to hire that coach because he is the next Nick Saban and will become the winningest coach in football history.  The chances of that are almost zero.  Get over your FOMO because as you've read from this lame blog post a lot of those "top" coaches who got those contracts end up getting fired for underperforming.  So let someone else pay them to fail.  Then once they do you can pick them up on the cheap!  Oh, you won't want them then?  Exactly.  

NCAA Gambles with Athletes future

The NCAA (National Collegiate Aloofness Association) has done it's homework.  They have seen the sports betting scandals of the past.  They are apprised of the current betting scandals going on in with players in the MLB and NBA.  They have even listened to Michael Lewis' Against the Rules podcast Season 5 where he details many of the intricacies involved in the legal sports betting craze.  (They saw half of the title of the conclusion episode "Anybody Can Win..." that's good enough for us.)  The NCAA has concluded that gambling has a positive impact on the life and learning of college athletes.  Gambling promotes the key attributes for "fostering lifelong well-being" that the NCAA wants for all of their student athletes.  (Yeah, that's the NCAA mission statement.)  Nothing fosters lifelong well being like gambling on it!  Sports are not fun because of the dedication, skill, and the thrill of competition.  They are fun because you can win money based on a gut feeling.  

Gambling is awesome in so many ways.  So awesome in fact that every ad is required to have a warning label on it.  "Warning: gambling is fun, addictive, distracting, expensive, and can cause extreme mental and physical harm.  Do you know any lame activities that can cause these things?  We didn't think so.  If you have a problem, which you won't because gambling is badass and you're not a pusillanimous person, call 1800-You-Good.  You'll be directed to a debt service advisor who will give you bonus odds on your recovery.*"  The warnings, the stress, the anxiety, the loss of money, all the things the NCAA saw and said "we need to get the kids access to that!"

The fun of gambling is important for young men and women to experience.  The extreme highs and lows are just teaching moments.  The stress and anxiety of placing that bet that is just beyond your comfort zone is a lesson that sticks.  The exhilaration of defeat is what really makes you feel alive!  Not to mention the possibility of soul crippling debt.  The NCAA knows how the majority of their student athletes are financially well off and has extra money to burn, because hey what college kid really needs a few extra bucks?!  None of them.  You know who does need it?  Draftkings and Fanduel.  Without these sites where would people go to feed their wholesome gambling addictions?  Casinos?  What if there isn't one close by?  Would they have to drive there?  Really?  No way.  Better idea... Give everyone a casino in their pocket!  Genius.  Go on.  With 24/7 access right on their phone they can forget about that physics term paper and focus on getting that 8 team parlay in.  Learning to enrich their lives for the love of the game is loser talk.  Winners bet on it.  (We'll take the under on that physics exam score.)  

Gambling has made its case to promote the positive principles of a productive person.  The decades of affiliations with organized crime, the fact that it has never led towards an game being rigged, and the lack of evidence to support the argument that variable reinforcement can be addictive.  Have you really seen anyone doing well that isn't gambling their rent money?  Unlikely.  Thank You NCAA!  You have always looked out for the student athlete and once again you have made a decision which will certainly have a huge impact on the lives of student athletes and definitely will not cause any financial or physical harm to any student athletes.  #youcanbetonthat!

*Not the actual warning label.  If you thought that it was then maybe you do need to call someone. 

Talk Shift, Back It Up

We've been talking a lot of shift to other baseball fans over the changes that were made to the rules of Major League Baseball in 2023.  The addition of a pitch clock is stupid.  Making the bases bigger is gonna give us more action on the base paths just like our partners will once we get married.  Married people all know as their partners bases get bigger it only makes it more difficult for them to be traveled on.  The anti-shift rule won't add up to more hits.  Turns out we were wrong on 2 of 3.  Good news is, batting 1 for 3 still gets us a chance at the Hall of Fame if we keep up those numbers for another 15 years or so.  

Being on the clock has noticeably and positively impacted the speed of the game.  Most notably the time to complete a baseball game has decreased by nearly half an hour.  In 2022 the average game time was 3 hours 4 minutes.  In 2023 the pitch clock was instituted and the average game time dropped to 2 hours 42 minutes.  Almost 30 minutes shorter!  It got even shorter in 2024 when the average was 2 hours 36 minutes.  What a dramatic shift from a game that droned on and on full of pitching changes every batter to... well less droning and more throwing. 

There is a place where you can steal openly in front of thousands of people and be applauded for it.  That is, of course, on the baseball field.  In 2022 there were 2487 stolen bases in MLB.  In 2023 after the increase in size of base, the pitch clock, and a limit to the number of disengagements the number of stolen bases increased to 3503!  That's nearly a 41% increase.  As far as action on the bases go we haven't seen an increase like that since our single days when we finally hit that 3rd date.  This steals a little bit more time away from checking our phone because we know someone could be on the run on any pitch.  These rule changes significantly improved the watchability and action of a baseball game.  The anti-shift however, has not had the same impact.

Players are now required to stay on the infield orange and must be on their assigned side of the midline of the ball field.  Before 2023 you were allowed to position your players however you like.  You could play all players on one side of the field if you were looking to exploit dead pull hitters.  Excluding the pitcher and catcher of course.  The pitcher is required to deliver the ball while touching the rubber (the rubber on the mound you pervs!) and the catcher has to stay inside the catchers box until something happens after the pitch is thrown. The rest of the players were welcome to roam the space freely.  Although, the remaining 7 players did not all congregate in left field because strategically that would be a hilarious disaster.  An unattended space in the field would be ripe for exploitation by a skilled batter.  This however has seemingly not been the case.  Multiple batters over the last few years have been found to continually pull the ball a significant amount of the time despite more players being positioned to that side of the field... amazingly some still found success.  

We will give you the starkest example: In 2021-2022 Jose Altuve, which many consider one of the better hitters in the game, had an pull percentage of 53%.  Small man with big pull energy.  (according to fangraphs Baseball Data)  Not only that he hit it to center field 31% of the time leaving a paltry 15% chance he would hit it to the opposite field.  The defense should adjust its fielding setup to guard against his overwhelming tendency to pull the ball and play more fielders towards his pull side.  They did and instead of him adjusting his approach to hit it to where the fielders were now absent he just continued to pull the ball until MLB stepped in to restrict the fielders choice on where to position.  The offensive minded MLB thought this would give some of the best hitters more hits instead of forcing the batters to adjust, you restrict the fielders positioning.  Did this work?  The proof is in the batting average.  

Batting average is simply (number of hits)/(number of at bats.)  (Yes, we are aware some at bats dont count as at bats... as weird as that is to say.)  This basic formula is an easy measure to test and see if the shift restriction worked then we should see a significant increase in batting average.  Can you tell which year the change was implemented?  (Baseball Reference Stats) 2020: .245 2021: .244  2022: .243  2023: .248 2024: .243  2025: (so far) .246.  Yes, you knew it was 2023 but only because 2023 was the year when sweeping changes were implemented and we've primed your brain to see it.  Other than that these numbers across 4800 games played in a season are amazingly consistent over 5+ seasons.  They seem to represent a basic shift in approach to hitting regardless of where players are shifted in the field.  We like to call this approach "hit ball hard."  

Hit ball hard approach gives the best chance for a player to hit a home run and home runs are good, but it also increases your chance to miss ball.  Miss ball equals strike out.  In 2024 strikeouts per game was an average of 8.48 versus 2014 it was 7.7 versus 2004 it was 6.55.  This batting approach of hit ball hard combined with the pitching approach of throw ball fast equals player miss ball a lot.  (Throw ball fast also equals other things like player hurts arm, player throws less, no single pitcher completes game, no single pitcher no hitters, no perfect games, etc.)

How do we suggest improving the hitting portion of the game?  How about limit the number of pitchers your allowed to carry?  Or, how about you're only allowed to have 2 pitching changes the entire game?  How about moving the pitching rubber back 1-2 feet?  How about reducing the height of the pitching mound? Maybe make the bat bigger?  Instead of torpedo bats bring allow players to use bats the size of those old giant red whiffle ball bats.  

Welcome to the future past.  Baseball is the game of nostalgia but also desperately wants be relevant to current events.  These new fandangle computation machines have found a way to track a ball and measure its location in the strike zone to less than one quarter of an inch.  That is super impressive.  It is so impressive that an umpires accuracy is measured against this computer measuring device for accuracy.  Yes, you read that correctly.  The computer is the default correct measuring device not the umpire.  The human umpire is deemed to be not as accurate as the computer.  Human umpires are very good (sometimes excluding some special guys cough.angelhernandez.cough) at calling balls and strikes right about 95% of the time.  The computer is considered correct 100% of the time.  So, the MLB has decided to take away all doubt of the balls and strikes and use the ABS (automated ball strike) system.  Nice work MLB coming into the new age!  Skkrrrtttt...they slammed on the brakes on that idea.  The MLB will only use it if a player challenges?!  Also, each team only gets 2 challenges? They wont use the system the entire time to get the call exactly right the first time?  So, we're not sure why the MLB wants to pump the brakes on its ABS system.  It prefers pitches to be called wrong and see if anyone corrects the bad call, rather than just using the system to get it right all the time?  Wow, that seems just really, really dumb.  

We're gonna challenge this call before the pitch is even thrown.  We predict they will be using the system like they should to call all balls and strikes by 2028.  Of course, we've been wrong before but we're pretty confident this will get our batting average up to .500 making us 2 for 4.  Solid showing for a hacker.  

Republicans Go Woke

The Republican party has woke up.  The anti-woke movement was a staple of the MAGA platform.  Diversity, inclusion, and most notably the restriction of free speech were the evils of the democratic socialist ideal.  Do not speak out against any minority groups or you will be punished by being publically cancelled.  Being cancelled for expressing your opinions will corrupt the American way of life and the current president knows because he is well acquainted with corruption.  (Donald once argued the pro side of bribery and corruption on air in a CNBC segment.  Sounds ridiculous right?  No he actually did, seriously look it up.)  The art part of the deal seems to be related to the art of making a corrupt deal look like it is just a part of normal business practices.    

If you were woke, you were restricting free speech.  Republicans were up in arms about online companies (you know popular ones like facebook, myspace, and Friendster.) who were targeting and limiting the dissemination of false information.  They railed against these companies for limiting free speech by taking this information down (true or false) from their sites.  The majority of the information happened to be from many Republican leaning influencers.*  Elon Musk, once an ally for MAGA, now considered one of the poorest men in America,** even went so far as to spend billions to buy Twitter to make sure information (true or false) could flow freely.  (Because that's what he cares about, free speech.)  Now a few months into power many Republican representatives are reversing course, of course.

Any person who has anything bad to say about Charlie Kirk (true or false) should be muzzled, fired, or both because no time in our country's history has a man of such prominence within a political party ever been assassinated.  (Presidents Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Kennedy, excluded of course.)  This according to many Republicans is the first sign of the apocalypse.  (It might be, who knows?  We haven't seen an Epochalypse, a 2Pacalypse, or even an eclypse in a long time but we could be ssstaring right at it.)  Many Republicans have railed against Democrats for the assassination of Kirk as if there were some conspiracy from the big D to brainwash the minds of young people into murdering people.  (It's called Sesame Street but shhh... dont tell the Republicans they might try to cancel funding for it.  Wait, what?  They already did that?  That makes cents.  Can't have all these children out here learning their ABC's and stuff they might grow up to learned words.  Stop them from gettin learnt now before they figure out how to speak those words, then we won't have to take away those speaking freedoms!  Well played Republicans.)

What is the famous line from Batman?  "I am Batman!"  No, not that one.  The other one that has to deal with like moral values and stuff... "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain."  This quote speaks to the erosion of the character morals.  Hero's set out to do good within a strict framework of moral values.  (We think generally Republicans and Democrats both want to do some sort of "good" but get so focused on defeating each other they forget about that.)  Villains have no moral values which is the reason they are being fought against.  Sometimes it is felt that in order to beat or vanquish the villain the hero must resort to some of the villains tactics.  I.E. murdering the villain instead of arresting and forcing them to be held accountable in accordance of the rule of law.  The hero that commits murder then is no longer the hero at all but then becomes a villain.  The moral values are what draw a clear line of separation between the hero and villain.  Hero's have lines they will not cross.  

The moral values of this country are set forth in the Constitution.  You know that document which forms general laws that have been crafted as the framework for the people of this country to abide by.  The most quoted and emphasized are the first ten amendments to the bill of rights.  We believe in them and especially the first one:  "We hold these truths the be self evident..."  wait, that's some other document...  Oh, right, the first amendment is the whole freedom to speak out against your government thing and probably says other stuff too.  (Like for the most part Philadelphia sports fans suck!  See we can say that and we won't go to jail.  We may get batteries thrown at us and seriously injured, but we won't go to jail.)  The first amendment states: "Congress shall make no law taking away the freedom of speech or the press.  Except in the event it so within finds that this speech is not nice to your feelings.  Then, if your fragile feelings get hurt, government shall use the powers to threaten to revoke your FCC license or to sue you for billions of dollars in an effort to obtain silence or compliance."  Well shoot.  We guess the new administration is using that amendment correctly.  We were so lazy we used to only read the first sentence but now we see there is more to it.  Our bad...  Well played Republicans.  

Republicans once stood as a conservative force to protect the constitution from being infringed upon.  Now, they find themselves removing parts of the moral framework of our democracy because these laws are restricting their ability to defeat their enemy.  Who is your hero?

*We had a conversation with a friend who tends to lean towards the Republican side of the isle.  This person was angry about how many more posts get taken down from the Right side of the isle versus the Left side of the isle.  He said look at the numbers when you compare them they are not even close.  We pondered the question; Does this mean that these media companies are biased against Republicans or that simply Republicans are more likely to lie?  

**Financial wealth is not equal to living a rich life.  We see a rich life being abundant in love, empathy, and compassion for everyone including the less fortunate.  We do not see much of these attributes put forth in Musks' public life but maybe we're wrong and he secretly feeds the homeless out of the backrooms of Tesla dealerships.  If so, he is much richer than we thought.  

Republicant

If you believe it you can't achieve it.  That's how the saying goes.  Correct us if we're wrong but... if your beliefs are wrong, is it possible to get anything right?  Let's say you believe the earth is flat, this belief will make it impossible for you to circumnavigate the globe because in your reality it is not a globe at all.  (Magellan tried and failed because he died falling off the edge of the world... what an idiot.)  Despite how significantly strong the evidence to the contrary of your beliefs if you hold them strong enough you will only find evidence pointing to the justification of your beliefs.  This moves you and, if you're a elected official, the governed towards the goals your beliefs have set you on a path for.  Now, let's say you are a Republican and believe that you are apart of the fiscally responsible political party.  This belief is driven by the belief that democrats spend so much on welfare programs they can not possibly be fiscally prudent.  This belief gives a false set of limits.  Firstly, the belief that investing money into people on the lower end of the income bracket is money lost with no future benefits financial or otherwise.  Is that belief accurate?  Secondly, that spending is the problem with the debt of the country.  Is it?  

Now, where we come from a budget has 3 distinct areas of interest.  The top line. (The revenue, when in the case of a municipality, taxes).  The middle.  (Filled with all those pesky expenses like food, services and medicine.)  Finally, there is the bottom line.  (This is the result when you subtract the middle from the top.)  We know its complicated.  If you make money this number is positive because you spent less than you made.  If this number is negative you live beyond your means.  Where we come from the number has been negative for a long time but the Democrats arent the only people to blame.  

It is true that many democrats generally push to spend more money on community projects but they also generally push to raise taxes to pay for such programs.  Republicans in general have chosen instead to unbalance their budget by cutting their sources of revenue (i.e. taxes).  (You can argue that Republicans also try to cut spending but unfortunately when you look at the numbers the spending during their tenure does not go down.  Money instead gets reallocated from certain areas in the budget to others like from healthcare to warcare.  (Go ahead check the budget... we'll wait.)  To an accountant keeping the U.S. budget the increase in expenses or the decrease in revenue are equal in their effects on the number at the bottom.  (Yes, they actually track how much of a deficit the federal government runs and add it to the national debt.)  A deficit is the result when you don't have enough money to pay for your obligations so, you borrow money to meet those obligations, and boy does the U.S. have some obligations.  All representatives (Yes, Democrats and Republicans) spend like they borrowed their billionaire best friends credit card.  It's all good, he's (Yes He, because chances are high if they are a billionaire they are a man. 87% chance according to Forbes) got plenty of money.  However, budgets do not care if you cut from the top or add to the middle.  If the expenses are greater than the revenue the result will equal debt.  Luckily for now, the USA has a good enough credit score to keep getting loans to pay for all those obligations it cant meet.  However, after decades of running a deficit the US debt load is starting to get pretty heavy even for the strongest economy in the world.   

Taxes are the countries income.  A country uses this income to pay for things like roads, fighter jets, and spaceships among other things... Just like if you have a job your income is your pay for the work you do.  Republicans want you to take a pay cut at your job and focus on those TikTok video projects you've been trying to monetize for the past 4 years but just havent had the time to make them really good so they can go viral.  Its time to take that leap and cut your money coming in so you can grow that business.  Then, once those videos of rabbits dressed in little velveteen outfits takes off you'll be paying way more in taxes with all that Thumper money comes in.  (Yes, the rabbits name is Thumper and he's awesome.)

Many Republicans believe in the idea of cutting taxes.  It has become a strongly held belief and the basis of their identity.  (Well, that and Jesus hates immigrants, not all immigrants, just the bad ones.  They can't tell which ones are bad so they assume they're all bad but they dont believe they're all bad they just dont want to take the chance they will be, so they are.)  The idea is: cutting taxes will fuel growth in the economy which will result in more future tax revenues than you would have gotten otherwise by taxing at higher rates and having lower growth.  That math does math out in theory.  A small piece of a super giant pie can be significantly more than a large piece of a small pie.  Oh, how delicious pie math can be.  

Ronald Reagan was the poster president for this theory with his Reaganomics.  Supply side theory of enriching the top end of the population and they will in turn lift the rest of the people up with it.  A billionaire rises all boats.  This sounds wonderful and in theory could work.  Unfortunately, it discounts one of the most notorious of human flaws.  Greed.  We got it and you cant have it.  It's like trying to take a toy away from a toddler.  Which is actually easier because the toddler doesn't have lobbyist.  Turns out when people get money they like to keep that money.  Then, turn that money into more money.  What they don't want to do is give that money away or at the very least avoid giving it to the government.  If you try to take their money they hide their money or, they ship it overseas so you cant tax that money.  The money also buys them opportunity.  It can buy them access to the lawmakers and rule benders to make it easy to keep their money.  This creates a cycle of elites pushing down the lower classes instead of bringing them up with them.  Dont believe us?  Check the income distribution graph for America.  (Go ahead... we'll wait.)  One might surmise this cycle could lead to billionaires being appointed to some of the top offices in the country and abusing their power by placing their other wealthy friends in highly influential positions throughout the government.  We dont expect that to happen in the land of the free though.  Americans are too smart to be fooled by a guy with lots of money fooling them into giving him more money and power.  No suckers here.  

Let's say that is great...  Having a lot of financially rich people in the country is good, right?  If you're one of them, it definitely is.  Financially rich people pay a lot of taxes so that's also great for the government budget, right?*  Yes, in 1980 Ronald Reagan started the path for the United States to solve its debt problem by increasing the national debt by 160% during his presidency.  An investment to the upper class it seems.  That is a short term increase in debt but a lucrative investment into the future.  The debt is an expected part of the plan, just wait until that investment grows and all that tax money starts rolling in with all these wealthy businesses and people that it created.  It should kick in during the next presidents term though, right?  Say 8 years later... What say you George H.W. Bush?  Oh, you also decided that same approach would work and increased the national debt 42%.  Probably could have pushed that higher if he would have made it 2 terms like his son, G.W. Bush, who managed to increase the debt over 72%.  Don't worry though that growth money should be kicking in any day now so we can pay off those trillions of dollars in debt we invested in the future.  

Here we are 45 years after the Republicans put their belief in growthanomics and we finally have grown our economy to epic proportions.  The tax revenues have taken care of that national debt problem for good.  Republicans believed and achieved that financial independence they told their dad they could do.  It took a while but once all those multi billion dollar businesses kept their headquarters in the United States and started paying all those taxes, the government of the United States no longer had money problems.  It can now pay for everything it needs.  It can now build a border wall and provide healthcare.  It can give underprivileged kids guns and food.  Thank you Republicans not wavering in your beliefs that cutting taxes can solve the budget problem.  Our children will now bear the fruits of your investment.  

Here is the breakdown if you're interested... 

Debt by US President

Table with 3 columns and 21 rows. Sorted descending by column "Percent change"

Franklin D. Roosevelt	$178,464,714,660.98	791.8% 791.8% 791.8%
Woodrow Wilson	$23,036,251,492.50	789.9% 789.9% 789.9%
Ronald Reagan	$1,604,482,712,041.16	160.8% 160.8% 160.8%
George W. Bush	$4,217,261,484,712.34	72.6% 72.6% 72.6%
Barack Obama	$7,663,615,710,425.00	64.4% 64.4% 64.4%
George H. W. Bush	$1,207,189,695,334.34	42.3% 42.3% 42.3%
Donald Trump (first term)	$7,804,591,681,202.28	39.2% 39.2% 39.2%
Richard Nixon	$121,339,561,890.14	34.3% 34.3% 34.3%

You will notice if you remove the top 2 presidents (why remove them?  because they were presidents during WW1 and WW2 which skews their spending habits because wars cost a lot) 4 of the top 5 presidents in debt percent additions are Republicans.  (The last president to have a balanced budget?  Bill Clinton, a democrat who with a Republican congress reduced spending and increased revenues.)  If you've gotten this far in the conversation you may be under the impression that we think debt is bad and we are Anti Republican.  It is not and we are not.  Debt can be a useful tool when used properly.  Republicans can do good for the country.  Debt can also send you into financial ruin when you accumulate too much of it without finding ways to pay it back.  Using debt to grow the economy is an great thing if that debt investment will eventually payoff.  But, if you grow the economy only to cut the taxes again you will never pay off the debt.  The republicans must have a 100 year pay off plan because here we are almost 50 years after Ronald Reagans plan and accumulating more debt than ever.  However, they still have faith in this plan.  We know what they say about people who keep doing the same things over and over while expect different results... 

Here is the full article if you'd like to check the source: President Debt

*Do rich people pay taxes?  Yes, some do.  However, some would rather pay a lot of money to lobbyist or a fancy accountant to create and find tax loopholes.  Once you are wealthy you can utilize these loopholes.  It is interesting how wealthy people spend a lot of money to find ways to get out of paying taxes.  Maybe, the people they pay will pay taxes on the money the wealthy give them?   

Published 8/26/2025

Fart of the Deal

The belief in equaling out a trade deficit is admirable if you have no idea what a trade deficit is.  Let's take a life example.  Say you, American consumer, are a human that eats food and you get human food from a restaurant.  Let's call that restaurant Chipoltle.  (We are specifically not talking about Chipotle.  Chipoltle is an entirely fictional restaurant used only as an example of a place that may give you diarrhea.)  You pay Chipoltle $14 and in exchange they give you a burrito.  (Yes, this fictional Chopltle sells burritos too its just a coincidence and no relation.)  This works out well for you because you were very hungry and it is good for Chipoltle because they want money.  (We think that's called a business but we're only on chapter 3 of The fart of the deal so we will have to get back to you on that.)  Now, assuming you didn't sell anything to Chipoltle, you run a 100% trade deficit with Chipoltle.  Is this a bad?  No, it seemingly works out for both parties despite the fact that one party is in a serious trade deficit situation both parties have gotten something they wanted.  Chipoltle gets money and you get to clear out your entire digestive system in just a few minutes.

America runs a trade deficit with the majority of the countries it trades with.  Why?  Because America has crappy stuff that no one wants to buy?  Or, because other countries have crappy stuff that Americans want to buy?  You know its the Americans buying crap.  We're confident consumers in America.  We got stuff for everything.  We got a robot dog that our actual dog can play with.  We got a car that can almost drive itself and nuts that hang from our trucks.  We even have a golf ball that explodes on contact.  Do we really need this stuff?  No, but we bought it and we got it.  Plus, we're gonna laugh when that idiot tries to hit that golf ball and get pissed at you when you make fun of our truck nuts.  America actually does run a trade surplus with several countries too!  Meaning there are many things America is good at making and selling.  But, we run a deficit with most countries because we have to.  With a GDP around $27 trillion the USA dwarfs most other economies meaning we buy way more stuff from everyone that it is impossible for them to even afford to buy that much stuff from us because they simiply don't have that much money.  Its like that multi millionaire asking you why dont you buy a boat and a ferrari from his dealerships.  We would love to buy those things... but we cant afford it because we spent all of our money on eggs and truck nuts.  

We're confident there will be deals made and that president Trump will take credit for those good deals.  He may then subsequently $#!+ on those deals and piss everyone off but that is just his negotiating style.  Its his predictability that Americans find so soothing.  Screwing people over works really well as long as you never have to work with them again.  Luckily being apart the global economy is a short term thing and America doesn't need nothing from no one.  We wont even have to talk to any of these stupid countries ever again.  We just need them to give us money and be happy with whatever we decide we want them to give us.  Cool?  We're confident that we will come out ahead because nothing divides your counterparts like giving them a common enemy.  Oh... wait, is that how the saying goes?  Yea, we're sure that's right, a common enemy divides all foes.  Hmm... still doesnt sound right but luckily the president goes out of his way to make sure everyone loves America!  Good deal Mr. President.  Making it great by 2028.  

Dodging the Competition

Fair and balanced.  Carnival games, TV shows, and politics are things you think of as the antithesis of these two words.  They are set up to be unbalanced on purpose to drive an audience because fair and balanced is boring.  If the game is easy to win people will get bored and if you never win people will get mad, sad, then eventually give up on their team altogether.  (Sorry Pittsburg Pirates fans)  Variable reinforcement is important.  (Just ask the casino business)  Every intriguing story has a villain in which the populus rally against and a prize to be won.  Of course, watching the favorite win is boring.  Do we really want to watch the Chiefs win another Super Bowl?  How about another National Championship for Alabama?  Those are great for the fans of those teams but for the rest of us it's pretty boring and annoying to watch a dominate team continue to win.  

Major League Baseball and/or the MLBPA has created themselves a true baseball villain in the Dodgers.  Like the Yankees of the past, the Dodgers have went and purchased many of the greatest players in the game.  Los Angeles has been on fire (whoa, poor choice of words*) this offseason landing a tidal wave of free agents including: Tanner Scott, Roki Sasaki, Blake Snell, Teoscar Hernandez, and others.  This adds (not Teoscar he was already there and resigned as a free agent) to their World Series winning all star lineup of which several players are considered the very best in baseball.  Yes, we're talking about you Mookie, Freddie, and Shohei.  They are spending future money with abandon by deferring contracts.  (Fancy word for an I.O.U.)  Play today and we'll pay you (hopefully) someday in the future. 

Will this epic team and deferred salary strategy be good for baseball?  It will be good... if they lose.  Everyone likes they legendary stories of the underdogs.  Average Joes Gym vs Globo Gym, David vs Goliath, and Jon Stewart vs Congress are all legendary stories.  These stories are fun, intriguing, and unexpected.  Mostly because the underdog wins.  (except for Jon Stewart, sorry Jon)  Did you hear the one about David and Goliath where Goliath won?  Of course not, nobody cares about that story, it was an expected outcome.  If the Dodgers win the World Series this year it won't be intriguing or unexpected.  It will be boring and baseball can be boring enough on its own.

Games are not fun or entertaining to watch with a high disparity of talent because the outcome is predictable.  Fans do not show up to watch the Harlem Globetrotters win the game.  Winning is a forgone conclusion for the Globetrotters but the fans show up to see the trick shot magic and the crazy antics.  The question baseball has to ask itself... are we here to play a serious game or are we here strictly to entertain?  If you're answer is the latter then you should trade out some of your teams to start playing against the Savannah Bananas at least then we'll be entertained.  If you think that competitive games can be serious and entertaining then there should be some measures to ensure the talent is spread across the league. 

If you are interested in continuing the competition the MLB should seriously consider a hardline team salary cap or limiting/eliminating deferred contract deals.  Why?  What if the Dodgers don't have enough money in the future to pay their players?  They win 4 titles in 5 years and all those contracts start coming due and they dont have the money.  How could that even happen with a team that has so much money?  Say MLB starts to have a decline in viewership and those revenue streams start to dry up, will the MLB be on the hook if a franchise can not pay its obligations?  Are the Dodgers too big to fail?

*Is this too soon?  Nope.  Laughing is our coping mechanism.  We are sad to see the fires in southern California that have taken lives, homes, and communities.  Natural disasters suck and we feel for you, we live in Florida so yep, we also live in a naturally occurring disaster area.  Do not lose hope though people will be there for you, well... they'll be there for like the first few weeks and then fade away while you attempt to repair the disaster of your life.  Insurance, if you have it, will take a very long time to pay out and even the payout won't reimburse you for all the heartache and torment of such a disaster, let alone actually covering the true cost of replacing the things and home that you lost.  Weird how insurance companies are so happy to insure you and love taking your premiums but when actual disasters happen they turn into your 85 year old grandma. (a little slow and forgetful also turns out they spent all their money on bingo, paying shareholders, and early bird specials so they can't really afford to pay you back for anything and are now completely dependent on the government for support.) 

We're glad to see Shohei Ohtani committed $500k to help.  We'd embarrass him and say dude you signed a contract for $700 million and that's all you can give?  We won't say that at $70 million per year and 162 games played Shohei is donating just over 1 baseball game worth of checks.  Yes that's 1 baseball game!  Dude didn't notice his translator "stealing" $17 million but cant give up more than $500k for entire neighborhoods being burnt and firefighters risking their lives in your own town?  Way to step up to the plate.  We know his money is deferred so maybe he can give like $70 million future dollars in like 2040 when he gets paid.  So, we won't say anything about that and unfortunately, we would help out but we're still trying to get our roof fixed from Hurricane Milton.  We don't expect any of the Tampa Bay players to help out because we're not sure they make enough to cover the cost of our roof... or even their own roof.

Cereal Killers

Children have been after "me lucky charms" for decades.  Why?  Because of the leprechaun marketing?  Or, because the cereal is packed with sugary deliciousness?  Maybe, a combination of the two?  The leprechaun enticed you to take that first hit and that's all you need.   That sweet sugar dopamine rush does the rest and gets them hooked for life. (We've all seen the videos of a child's first hit of cake or ice cream.  Their eyes light up like an electric shock straight to their brain.)  Nutritionist are after that leprechaun too.  Mostly to lock him up and keep him out of breakfast entirely.  He's not the only culprit, all the other cartoon mascots designed by adults to entice children into begging their parents for cereal can share blame.  Sugar combined with excessive children advertising and deceptive marketing tactics has made the breakfast cereal market a sad staple of the american diet.  Trix are for kids but the trick is on them... They are not a part of a complete breakfast.  Well, they can be a part of a complete breakfast but they are not the part that makes it a healthy breakfast.  They are the part that ruins the healthy parts.  If you add cartoon leprechaun, a tiger, a rabbit, a toucan, elves, a bee, the Flintstones, and any other inanimate object to a meal high in quality protein, fruits, and vegetables they will all be a part of that complete healthy meal.  They will be the annoying part of the meal trying to trick your brain into eating something addicting.  

Studies of sugars addictiveness go back decades and have been ignored since they concluded it was.  Sugars effects on the brain have been shown to have many of the same characteristics of other highly addictive substances like opioids and nicotine.  Those things are pretty fun and it turns out sugar is a lot of fun too.  The really cool thing is that sugar is a drug that is even cheaper and more accessible than opioids or tobacco products!  Even kids can get it!  Plus, sugar doesn't come with the negative side effects of those drugs!  It's delicious, healthy and not addictive.  We just want more of it all the time and get super mad when we cant have it.  (Just ask that 3 year old we just stole a candy bar from.  They're crying with joy because they don't have to eat it.)  It doesn't come with withdrawals or side effects.  Sugar crashes, diabetes, and obesity are not real byproducts of sugar and ultra processed foods...  Americans got obese on vegetables and exercise.

Sugar is addictive and bad for you in large doses.  Don't believe us?  Look it up...  Seriously "can be more addictive than cocaine and other opioids."  We strongly suggest not snorting it on an empty stomach.  Don't believe us?  (Don't actually do that, it is a joke.)  They told us not to stare at the sun either but look at as now!  Seriously are you looking at us?  You have to tell us because we can't actually see you, or anything else.  Coincidentally our blindness happened very close to the time when we stared directly into the sun but we're confident the sun was not the cause.  Correlation does not mean causation.    

Food producers have called the scientists bluff on sugars addictiveness.  Or, food producers know the science behind it and use it to sell more food.  Which do you think is true?  Instead of sparingly they use it amply.  How can we amplify this water?  Put sugar in it!  This wheat bran is bland and tasteless.... SUGAR IT UP!  Boom.  Delicious.  How can we make this styrofoam delicious?  Sugar!  How can we cause severe health problems throughout American society?  Put sugar in everything!  Seriously, look in your cabinet.  The vast majority of processed food items will have sugar, high fructose corn syrup (sugar from corn) or a form of fake sugar (sucralose, stevia, aspartame, etc) in it. (We're not going to get into the fake sugar debate in this column but rest assured they could be killing you also.)   Don't believe us?  Go look... we'll wait.  

Now that you've inspected your pantry and found sugar as an ingredient in basically everything that is considered a processed food we can proceed with our proposal.  We are proposing a class action lawsuit directed towards the largest processed and ultra processed food makers and distributors.  How is suing General Mills, Hersheys, Nestle, Kelloggs, Coca Cola, Pepsi Co etc... even going to work?  It can not in any way be the same as the lawsuits won against the tobacco and opioid industries.  Right?  Is it?  Let's review. 

Cigarettes were marketed as a product that keeps you thin, is totally not addictive, and best of all makes you look and feel cool.  Plus that bonus buzz from the awesome nicotine.  They certainly made you look and feel so cool... until you know the whole cancer thing hits and kills you.  Coolest dead guy in the room.  Ok, it turns out they're not cool.  They are laced with a bunch of chemicals besides nicotine but the nicotine was found to be one of the most addictive substances in the world.  You've heard the saying once you pop a smoke, you cant stop.  Wait... isn't that an add for potato chips?  That's ok, potato chips are addicting in a good way.  Nicotine however, makes you crave more of it to the detriment of your mind and body until it gives you serious illnesses.  Wait...

Tobacco companies misled the science and killed people.  As far as worldwide population control goes they are the real pros.  They kill millions and make millions.  They are professional hitmen.  Ok, hitmen are expected to work quickly so they're like sloth hitmen.  Super slow killing machines.  Their products take years to do the job that some opioids can get done in days or months but make no mistake they will get their mark and it will be a slow painful cancer ridden death.  Not like the slow drift off of an overdose.  Tobacco companies are killers with malice.   

The opioid addiction started off in much of the same way as cigarettes.  Except these pills were even better because they're doctor approved.  (Doctors don't approve of your ultra processed foods and if your doctor does, please find a new doctor.)  They will take away the pain, they are easy to get, they will make you feel great, and also, totally not addictive.  Turns out the science was made murky for years in order for a large company (and specific individuals) to make billions.  They also killed a bunch of people with overdoses.  The amazement of society is that these companies are mass murderers and continue to operate by paying fines.  Yes, we're looking at you Perdue Pharma and whatever you're new company is going to be.  (Companies are great because they are a fake thing.  That fake thing (the company) can take the blame for some real thing the owners and operators of a company clearly were a part of and knowingly did because they run the fake thing.  Then, when bad things happen let the fake thing take all the blame.  The owners in the meantime keep the money and take no personal responsibility because the company was doing it, not the owners.)  We're sure they would claim innocence in not knowing they were killing people so it would be just manslaughter then?  It's okay you mass manslaugheters can go ahead and retire on your billions that you somehow get to keep after misleading, doping, and killing people.  

Who's killed more?  The winner is certainly as clear as smoky room.  Tobacco paid for that killing though.  Not with like sending the perpetrators going to jail, shutting down the companies completely, or making all the executives of the companies smoke cigarettes nonstop until they throw up.  They were punished with paying money to states.  They paid more than $206 billion dollars worth of profit penalization.  Now, many of the companies were still profitable and still exist and turn large profits today but those fines really solved the problem.  The companies have divested into vaping and nicotine pouches like zyn and continued to profit off of addictive harmful human habits.  So, no new problems are expected in the future.  

Opioids just havent had enough time to kill as many people as smoking has.  Their products are more fast acting but their penalties will be the similar.  No jail time, or complete shuttering of the companies involved (it will go into bankruptcy and reorganize under a new name we're sure), or making them take a couple pills and have their stomachs pumped.  Just a monetary penalty with many of the producers and companies involved in distribution.  The settlements are still ongoing but could be in excess of $50 billion.  The monies will not be wasted by local governments and instead go directly towards time machine research which will be able to bring back all the people killed by overdosing.  No harm no foul. 

The opioid industry and the tobacco industry set the standards of responsibility:  1. Create a highly addictive product.  2.  Make it readily accessible.  3. Use Marketing tactics to proliferate that substance to the masses.  4. Make huge profits while claiming your product does no harm to the populus.  5.  Ignore and lobby against any factual scientific evidence to limit the consumption and distribution of the product.  6.  Cause a major epidemic of death, disease, and disabilities to millions of people.  Does the ultra processed food industry fit these characteristics?  

With the proliferation of obesity throughout America; Kelloggs*, General Mills, and any other ultra processed food producer should have to pay for every persons Ozempic.  Ok, that just helps another terrible industry but at least people will eat less TRASH food so it's like a double whammy to the processed food makers.  We're proposing a settlement of $1 trillion paid in $50 billion a year increments directly to farmers of organic fruits and vegetables.  This settlement will be in perpetuity until the obesity rate of the United States is at or below 20%.  Which still seems porky but would cut the obesity rate in half.  (The CDC says the obesity rate is about 41.9% in 2024)  Although among the black population it is 49.9%.  That means if you look to your left and to your right and there's not an obese person then it's probably you.  

Obesity isn't really a problem to society like the opioids or tobacco industry though, is it?  We've Captain Crunched some numbers and the WHO (world health organization) says it's not a big deal it only likely kills 280 to 325 people a year.  So, who really cares?  Oh, Snap, Crackle, and Pop we forgot some zeros on those numbers.  We Trixed you silly rabbits and it's actually 280,000-325,000 people a year in the United States alone.  That's Fruity Loops.  Those unlucky charmed deaths don't even include the costs of all the other health problems that obesity causes.  Ok, $1 trillion may not be enough to solve this crisis.  So, listen... F-1 trillion we better make it $2 trillion.

Cheerio mates.  

*Kelloggs (Yes, it's spelled with 2 G's.  It has also split off into 2 companies.  Kellanova being the new one.  Meaning new killer in latin.  It doesn't actually but you could easily believe that to be true.  Kellanova is the real name which is surprisingly similar to kilonova which is an event where 2 neutron stars or a neutron star and a black hole merge which sounds insanely scary and unfathomably powerful.  We're not sure why they named it that but it could be accurate for their mission of death and destruction through food?  We didn't reach out to them for comment but we're confident that if we did, they wouldn't have one for us or at the very most they would say "They're Great!") and General Mills are some of the top "food" producers in the world.  Food in quotation marks because should the things they sell as "food" be classified as food?  If your qualifications for food are things that can be put into your mouth, chewed, and swallowed, then you either have a very low bar for food or a very high tolerance for putting weird stuff in your mouth.  Styrofoam, cotton balls, and plastic christmas ornaments can all be chewed and swallowed but we don't think anyone would qualify them as food.  The difference is Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Toast Crunch taste delicious when they're in your mouth and styrofoam does not.  (We tried it... it tastes like styrofoam.)  You will notice that most of their cereal offerings start off with whole grains and the grains are touted to be healthy.  (While some carbohydrates can be a part of a meal we'd argue that they're not usually the healthy part of a balanced meal.)  Great whole grains!  The second ingredient in most of them is sugar.  Oh, delicious sugar.  The white temptress that endlessly calls us back for that sweet, sweet hit of her temporary pleasure.  We're not addicted, we can stop anytime.  We promise, anytime after today because that 5th bowl of Fruit Loops is whispering our name and we can't say no that that sugarry seduction.  

Are their any other industries besides the Tobacco, Opioid, and High Processed food businesses that have followed these circumstances?  Definitely the chemical industry... (Yea we're talking about you 3M and Dupont)  We focused on the makers of highly sugarized ultra processed food like substances that are oral food drugs.  Some of these products that are produced by these companies do not even qualify as food like Taco Bells ground beef not qualifying as meat or Subways bread not qualifying as bread.  Some of these foods you can put in your mouth but should not qualify as food.  We should stop calling it food.  TRASH (The Remains After its been Stripped of Health) or how about a label that says not actual food in big letters right on the front of the packaging...  Neither of these are likely to help and people will still eat them but, that is apparently the way the system works.  The system also works by them having to pay a lot of money to deal with the problems they have created.  Usually its significantly less money than cost of the problems they have created leaving governments to pick up the tabs and deal with the costs.  But if the options are letting them make high profits and not pay any money, and pay money, we think they should pay money.  The opioids leave you with over doses meaning having to purchase large amounts of narcan, having to run medical emergency calls, and loss of life.  Tobacco comes with a stench of smoke, multiple cancers, healthcare costs, and loss of life.  Ultra processed food companies leave you with obesity, increased healthcare costs and treatments, and premature loss of life.  The quality of life is also an important factor to consider and we'd argue these all lead toward a diminished quality of life with higher usage.  

You Can Bet on it

The sports world has been at odds with gambling for years.  The sports world thinks it can ruin the game and the gambling world bets if they give you the right odds on anything you'll put some money on it.  The Black Sox scandal is an example of an early well known "fix" in sports history.  If you have not heard of it check out the details here: Black Sox Scandal.  You can bet if people can make bleachers full of cash off a "sure thing" then they will find a way to do it.  It used to be more of the professional fixers game.  You know like the mafia threatening to break a leg if you dont lose or that underpaid player working an angle to make a life they thought they deserved.  We had 50 - 1 odds that the casino industry would find a way to get sports betting legal because the legal casinos cant make money on illegal sports betting.  Bring sports gambling to the masses what could possibly be bad about that?

Betting on your favorite team is fantastic.  It used to be just the normal stress of watching your team underperform.  Now you can double down on that stress and lose money watching them underperform.  Or, completely confuse yourself by betting against your team because they've lost 3 in a row, then watch them unexpectedly win!  What a fan you are!  Its all just for fun... until you have to go explain to your landlord why you could have paid your rent if the Red Sox just woulda pulled their starter in the 5th because everyone could see he was losing control of his fastball.  It's o.k. though you'll have the money tomorrow because you have a nickel on the Yankees to lose tonight and its a lock.  

It has been well established that when people gamble they only bet what they can afford to lose.  Same holds true for sports betting.  Once they lose their set amount they're done.  They dont pull cash out of the heloc that was supposed to be spent on fixing those plumbing problems.  That is illogical.  Humans = Logic.  Besides we've seen the commercials.  They have a number you can call if you have a problem.  That solves that.  One phone call and gambling addiction gone.  People who have problems definitely are aware of them and willing to take immediate action.  Of course, none of them have to worry about it because the only problem their gonna have is what to do with all that cash!  They just put $22 on a 12 team parlay that pays out $47k so all they have to decide is which bank account to deposit it in.  

What is another a wonderful byproduct?  They can show up to that live sporting event they just put a bunch of money on.  Like say a PGA golf tournament and bet against players and then yell at them in their back swing.  Or bet against your rival basketball team and threaten their best players with harm if they win.  Its like what some of the cool things the mafia used to do to rig games in their favor.  You know the fun stuff.  Legalized sports betting has brought those things the mafia used to do to the people.  No longer will we have to stand by and let that parlay up to chance.  We will show up and get involved!  Mostly because if we dont someone will be coming to repossess our car.  

We just saw another ad for Draftkingz with a no risk first bet.  Just a lil taste to get you hooked on the product.  You cant lose!  Well you cant lose that bet but you will lose if you keep playing and thats the hook.  They make it so easy to put $100 down on anything you like.  Draftkingz is moving into little league soon.  You want to know the odds of the Scranton Scrappers 12 and under team this weekend as they play against the Bean Town Bombers?  Lil Billy has been on a hot streak on the mound so the Scrappers are favored +300.  Be careful because Billy's dad put $5k on them to lose and made lil Billy stay up all night studying for his math exam.  His Dad doesnt give a $#!+ about math except when it comes to calculating his odds of cashing that bet.  Which after last night he puts at about 97% and he's pumped for the game today.     

The casinos really dont care.  They set the odds and get their cut like they've always done.  The more people betting only means the bigger cut for them.  We dont mind it being legal but we do mind the advertisements blasted everywhere to try to get more gamblers.  Gambling used to be limited to certain locations which limited the amount of the availability of lives it can ruin.  Were people still gambling?  Of course, and it can be fun in a limited fashion but is bringing it full access everywhere all the time good for society?  We would argue it is not and probably the reason why it used to be banned in most places.  As fun as gambling can be in small doses, the fun does not eclipse the certain harm that will come to many.  We think the advertising for any gambling site or casino should be completely eliminated from all mass media outlets.  To save at least a some from a gambling addiction and others the annoyance of seeing Kevin Hart tell you how easy losing money is.  

Reading Rainbow

Take a look, its in a book!  Not that book though, you cant read that one.  That one neither.  Those are not "approved."  Trust us, that information is not necessary, and you are "free" to read any book on things we agree with.  By "we" we mean the state of Florida.  The Florida Governor has been fighting the wokeness.  Wokeness is... well we're not sure what wokeness is.  We are confident that it can be defined as a sound byte that encompasses a lot of things that a person does not find desirable.  The great part is that it is so ambiguous that it means whatever that person wants it to mean.  So, we know the Florida Governor loves it because he sounds like he hates the things you hate.  (He does and probably more)  Desantiss is anti woke which means he has to be pro sleep.  We have to agree that sleep is a very important part of ones overall health.  However, he may be sleeping in some important areas that need attention.  It's problematic towards Floridians health if they find themselves sleeping behind the wheel of a car, or perhaps there's a governor sleeping on legislation that could help lower the costs of actual healthcare and insurance for the citizens in need.  If Desantiss figured out how to open a book on Florida he might find that in the last couple years Floridians have had sky rocketing home insurance rates,  rising health care costs, hurricane recovery efforts progressing slowly, and alligators coordinating attacks on humans.  (That last one may not be true but we are staying woke on alligators.  You cannot sleep on alligators, they will seriously eat you)  He has made sure that all of those things get put onto the back burner to focus on the real problem, books.  

Books can be used for many things.  Table toppers to make you seem smart.  Collectors items.  Even frisbees.  They can even be used for learning.  We just learned that... in a book.  The learning is the most dangerous one.  (well the frisbee book can be pretty dangerous too...)  We once read a book on blogging and look at us now!  (We're so dangerous!  (insert eyeroll))  It can turn any normal citizen into a well informed pain in the @$$.  So better to ban them to protect the citizens from words and ideas.  

"You couldnt woke me if you tried" one elderly gentleman in Florida was almost quoted in saying.  He actually fell asleep before the end of the conversation and we thought best not to wake him up.  Florida now leads the country in falling asleep and they dont plan on being woke.  With an elderly population of retirees Florida has 68% of its people over the age of 82.  (fake stat but very plausible if you have spent any time near any condo building or golf course in Florida)  How it is possible for Floridians to even be woke?  They have been falling asleep all over the state, in the social security waiting lines, the condiment isle at publix, even at the golf course they just nod off for a few mins.  The early bird special has cots next to the table so the elderly can get in a quick nap after dinner.  Floridians aren't just sleeping on wokeness they're just sleeping.  

In order to promote freedom we must take things away.  Oh wait... isn't that the opposite of the thing we are trying to promote?  There is only one right way and it is the way we tell you.  If you question it you are woke and all other information must be destroyed so as not to produce independent thought.  Independent thought is danger to yourself and the people in charge.  (we tried thinking independently once and are still lost in that book store)  In order to make a population free they must be totally submissive to a leaders way of life.  In order to protect you we must not expose you to other ideas because those could be the end of your freedom.  This is the freedom circle.  Submit, ignore, repeat.  Protect yourself and your freedom by doing exactly what we tell you.  Be weary of any leader that thinks the best way to make you free is to take things away from you.  There is nothing more dangerous than that.